I’m so confused. What if, what now, what for are spinning around in my head. I’m at such a miserable place in my life. I don’t know what to do. It’s broke but I don’t know if I should fix it or trash it. I know that it’s not just grief because (as older entries here will show) I was at this same point before the pregnancy. The way that I’ve been treated during and after my pregnancy has proved that either he doesn’t love ME or he’s incapable of basic human emotions. But I don’t know if I’m ready to venture out alone. The independent spirit that was once such a huge part of me has disappeared. The thought terrifies me.
worst.month.ever
Today marks one month since I lost my daughter. I really tried to push it out of my mind today. I let myself get upset a couple of times yesterday and didn’t want to break down at work.
Yesterday we went to Lowe’s to buy plants for our summer vegetable garden. While walking around the garden center, I walk around a corner to find a display of willow trees. I want one but I know that if I plant one here, I’ll never want to move away from it. I fingered the leaves and teared up. It was all that I could do not to cry. I bit down hard on my knuckle to keep the tears from falling. My husband looks at me with what I interpret as utter disgust on his face. I don’t understand why he seems so fine with the fact that our daughter is dead. I don’t think she was “real” to him like she was to me. I carried her, I felt her, I talked to her and sang to her. She was real to me.
Today I get to work and right off the bat a kid comes up to me and comments on how well I’m doing with keeping the pregnancy weight down. ”I mean, you don’t even look pregnant anymore.” OW. Pain. Shock. OW!
I just walked away. I heard another kid fuss at her that I had lost the baby and she shouldn’t talk about it.
I tried to stay busy after that. The first part of the day went by fast. Later in the day, it crept back into my mind. I doodled tattoo ideas on my legal pad. I’ve been toying with the idea of getting one but I’m such a wimp when it comes to pain. Then I think of the pain that my daughter felt when she was dying and I didn’t realize it and think that I’m such a fucking hypocrite.
W for Willow tat idea
Willow
After all of this time, I finally get pregnant. I have to go on insulin. I am injecting 4 times a day. Diet restrictions galore. All on top of the usual pregnancy misery. I go through all of this…. to lose her at 6 1/2 months.
I wanted this so bad. I was so close.
And now my husband is slipping away from me.
Am I going to lose everything that is important to me?
A New ERA
Hmmph, I still had to go to work this morning so he’s no messiah.
And that’s all I have to say about that! Well, that and I’ll believe it when I can cash it!
Civic Duty
America the Beautiful! My country, ’tis of thee, Sweet land of liberty….. Oh, election day!
There have been many concerns voiced over this election regarding race, gender, and the like…. Voter registration has soared; and, in many areas of Chicago and Mississippi, the dead have risen to show their civic pride.
Voting itself has been a chaotic experience today. In Braxton, the touch screens weren’t working so they had to do paper ballots but only had 2 pens that were “approved” by the Secretary of State’s office. Therefore, a line developed of over 50 people who had to wait because only 2 people could vote at a time. I was not aware that there were specific pens to be used. In Mayberry, voting was always by paper ballot but I seem to remember them using some sort of charcoal pencil. My prescint was uneventful, thankfully. There were 3 old ladies waiting on the 4th on her walker. An old ass hippie yelling about how he shouldn’t have to be registered b/c he’s an American. I showed my laminated voter registration card; a 90 yr old woman confirmed i was on the roll. I went to the touch-screen booth where Ben Franklin’s grandfather made sure that I “knew how to use this new-fangled techno stuff” and I made my selections.
The sad part is that the major surge of emotion that I felt was not so much patriotism or pride but relief that perhaps now the mudslinging Wicker/Musgrove ads would be over.
Irony
I received my voter registration card in the mail yesterday. I haven’t voted since I moved to my new house 3 years ago; therefore, I had no idea where I would be going to vote in November. So I read the card that my voting precinct is on GEORGE WALLACE DRIVE. Does anyone else see irony in this or is it just my twisted sense of humor?
Little girls are made of sugar and spice
It’s been a while but with good reason. I’ve had a LOT going on. At my 9/29 doctor appointment, my glucose tested at 381 after fasting. Therefore, I was sent to an endocrinologist who confirmed that I have diabetes. However, I ended up having a bad reaction to the medication that I was given to lower my blood sugar. I spent a couple of days with my head spinning around and vomiting like Linda Blair. MB got all freaked out and stayed home from work to “care for me,” which he did, in between naps. I got nauseous on my way home from work. I told MB to fend for himself and went to bed. Around 6pm I woke up and started vomiting. That stage lasted until I gagging stomach acid up at 2am. It was gross and I know that you all appreciate these glorious details. As Kim says, the only time you want to puke orange is when you have devoured a whole bag of Cheetos.
MB gets worried because he read nausea on the list of side effects on my meds and called my mom. My mother, bless her heart, says “You know, her grandmother has the same reaction to that medication.” THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP, MOM!
The next morning, MB calls the doctor’s office at 9am. We wait and wait and wait until they call back after 4pm to say “You should call your endocrinologist.” YEAH, have you ever tried to call a doctor’s office after 4pm? Ed McMahon will call you before a doctor’s office will after 4pm.
So we waited until the NEXT morning. When the endo still hadn’t called back, I called again. I was angry by then. They got me in that afternoon. (Which means by then I missed almost 3 days of work…. but they were cool about it. I heard “Are you ok? Should you be here?” not “I had to answer the phones all day. We had to pull your weight. You should check with us before you get sick.” I *GIANT PUFFY HEART* this job. The pay sucks but “quality of life” is much better. I just wish they had a HSA.) Anyway on the phone, the nurse says “If you can’t take metformin, then we’ll have to put you on insulin.” WHAT? So I freak out for the rest of the day thinking that I’m going to start insulin shots. I get there and tear up and tell them how anxious I get over just pricking my finger, etc, etc, etc… They change my meds and give me two weeks to get my blood sugar down. (I go back tomorrow to see if it’s low enough to keep my wimpy butt off insulin.)
In the mean time, I’ve had to drastically change my diet. Dr. Wu says no cheese, no fruit, no peas/butterbeans, no corn, no bread unless wheat, no pasta unless wheat (and even those in moderation) no milk, no oatmeal, no carbohydrate that doesn’t have at least 5g of fiber. Yeah, that sucks. I also have to go to classes to LEARN HOW TO EAT. I took MB with me. Midway through the class, he looked at me and said, “I am going to need my own kitchen.”
Only in Mayberry
Another gem from my hometown newspaper, a resident of Mayberry reported that his PONDWATER had been stolen. yes, my friends, PONDWATER. The story goes on to say that, the day before, the resident had observed that his pond was full of water. However, the next day the resident discovered a hole in his fence and the waterlevel in the pond was down almost 4 feet. WHAT? Who steals PONDWATER? and how? Wouldn’t that require a pump and a large tank? Cmon if it were something that you could run a combustible engine on maybe I’d understand… but PONDWATER? EWWWWW Has anyone checked with the local fire department?
checklist
So I’m reading this article with this check list of 10 signs you’re heading for divorce…..
1 He’s no longer communicating with you – Forget discussing the serious issues such as your sex life, your finances or your children, you can’t even nail him down regarding whether he’d prefer chocolate or vanilla. If you feel like you’re being shut out, there’s a good chance you are. check
2 He refuses to talk about the future – You’ve tried planning a family vacation, but he blows it off with comments like “who knows what the future holds.” No matter how hard you try to get him to commit to an event, trip or activity in the distance, he refuses to bite. Why? Because he may not see you in his future. check
3 He doesn’t spend any time with you – He leaves for work before you’ve even rolled out of bed, and he comes home long after you’re asleep. He claims it’s all in the name of his job. Use your intuition and read between the lines. If he comes up with every excuse in the book to stay away, the move he’s looking to make has nothing to do with his career. check – Well, he’s home before me but just watches TV or goes next door or goes fishing.
4 He finds reasons to leave the house – He goes out to get milk, but comes back empty-handed. He swears he’s going to buy a tool, but they always seem to have run out. Oh, somebody is running out, and it’s likely him… running out on his marriage, that is. check – see above. A trip to the corner store to buy smokes takes an hour. He has to meet “his friend” at so and so. He just wants to go walk around Bass Pro Shop.
5 He spends A LOT of time on the phone and makes sure you can’t hear his conversations – He’s talking to someone, and it’s likely not his grandmother. You see the way he laughs and smiles. You remember when he used to grin that way when he talked to you. Wake up, sister. You’re about to be replaced. check – ALWAYS takes the phone outside and walks around the front yard to talk, like a teenaged girl.
6 He’s no longer interested in you sexually – No matter how much you beg and plead, he won’t give it up. He’s not in the mood. He’s tired. He’s got too much on his mind. If you can’t remember the last time you had sex, there’s a good chance your dry spell is about to get even longer. OK, no problem there…. THAT’S still GREAT…
7 He talks about other women all of the time – It’s okay for your partner to have friends of the opposite sex, but it’s not okay for them to come before you. If he’s putting more energy into his so-called friendships with other women than his marriage to you, your days of being number one have probably come to an end. no problem there to a point…. he still talks to TT and that drives me insane.
8 He’s keeping money in a secret account – It’s the type of discovery that will take your breath away. You’ve stumbled on an account filled with fat cash, and it’s only in his name. Sister, brace yourself. If he hasn’t told you about the account, there’s a good reason he’s saving for that “rainy day” on the down low. Well, if it’s a secret account, I obviously don’t know about it.
9 He doesn’t make the holidays special – No card. No candy. No present. No problem? Wrong. Is he one of those guys who lets the holidays slip by without so much as a card? Maybe it’s not in his makeup to extend caring gestures. Or maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t care about how you feel. CHECK – let’s go thru the list, Christmas – he bought “me” a vehicle that he drives more than I do and after I got my feelings hurt he bought me an ugly ring that I promptly returned for something cheaper and prettier, Valentine’s Day – oh, yeah, he “forgot” that one, My birthday – after he used the “you didn’t give me any money “line and I threw a HUGE fit he bought me a digital camera…. at 10 pm the night after my birthday, Our Anniversary – once again the “you didn’t give me any money” defense was invoked but I don’t think my crying jag ever resulted in a gift on that one….
10 He finds something wrong with everything you do – You’re not affectionate enough. You nag too much. You don’t care about his feelings. He’s always busy telling you about what you don’t do and never acknowledging what you do do. Face it, he doesn’t appreciate you and there’s a good chance he’ll soon use his lame excuses to bail out of your dying relationship. NIT PICK MUCH? Why yes, actually he does! Not the examples above but yes, everything I do is wrong…. from the 2 minutes I was late coming home from work (it was raining) to the way his laundry smells…. it’s MY FAULT and it’s WRONG….
THE Talk
Well, last night MB & I had THE TALK, the divorce talk. I laid it all out, what I thought and what I felt. And of course, afterwards, I felt immediately guilty. Apprehension rose in my throat like bile. WHAT HAVE I DONE? I am naturally an anxious person; I’m in hyper-drive now. Did I do the right thing? Did I just sacrifice my marriage over my too-high expectations? I had rose-colored dreams that I’d “mate for life” and things would be wonderful. Now I’m bitter and nervous and so stressed I’m pulling out my hair. But it’s coming from all angles, my family, my friends, and even some of his family. I mean, I should follow their advice right….. I’m so scared…… I just wanna hide in the closet and cry. I hope I’m doing the right thing.
