Only in Mayberry

Another gem from my hometown newspaper, a resident of Mayberry reported that his PONDWATER had been stolen.   yes, my friends, PONDWATER.  The story goes on to say that, the day before, the resident had observed that his pond was full of water.  However, the next day the resident discovered a hole in his fence and the waterlevel in the pond was down almost 4 feet.  WHAT?   Who steals PONDWATER?  and how?  Wouldn’t that require a pump and a large tank?  Cmon if it were something that you could run a combustible engine on maybe I’d understand… but PONDWATER? EWWWWW  Has anyone checked with the local fire department?

The answer to: Do I have a type?

 Just a little tequila influenced parody from a kariokee night long past:

Well, I was raised in a sophisticated kind of style.
Yeah, my taste in music and men drove my folks half wild.
Mom and Dad had a plan for me,
It was debutantes and symphonies,
But I like my music hot; I like my men wild. Yeah, an’ I like my men just a little on the trashy side,
When they wear t-shirts showing what kinda bike they ride.
A prison record and a few tattoos,
Gets me excited, leaves me feeling confused.
An’ I like my men just a little on the trashy side.

Shoulda seen the looks on the faces of my Dad and Mom,
When I showed up at the door with a date for the senior prom.
They said: Well, pardon us hon, he ain’t no kid.
That’s the oil change guy from down at the Stomp & Skid.
I said I know it dad, ain’t he cool, that’s the kind I dig.;

 

 

checklist

So I’m reading this article with this check list of 10 signs you’re heading for divorce…..

1 He’s no longer communicating with you – Forget discussing the serious issues such as your sex life, your finances or your children, you can’t even nail him down regarding whether he’d prefer chocolate or vanilla. If you feel like you’re being shut out, there’s a good chance you are.  check
2 He refuses to talk about the future – You’ve tried planning a family vacation, but he blows it off with comments like “who knows what the future holds.” No matter how hard you try to get him to commit to an event, trip or activity in the distance, he refuses to bite. Why? Because he may not see you in his future.  check
3 He doesn’t spend any time with you – He leaves for work before you’ve even rolled out of bed, and he comes home long after you’re asleep. He claims it’s all in the name of his job. Use your intuition and read between the lines. If he comes up with every excuse in the book to stay away, the move he’s looking to make has nothing to do with his career. check – Well, he’s home before me but just watches TV or goes next door or goes fishing. 
4 He finds reasons to leave the house – He goes out to get milk, but comes back empty-handed. He swears he’s going to buy a tool, but they always seem to have run out. Oh, somebody is running out, and it’s likely him… running out on his marriage, that is. check – see above.  A trip to the corner store to buy smokes takes an hour.  He has to meet “his friend” at so and so.  He just wants to go walk around Bass Pro Shop.
5 He spends A LOT of time on the phone and makes sure you can’t hear his conversations – He’s talking to someone, and it’s likely not his grandmother. You see the way he laughs and smiles. You remember when he used to grin that way when he talked to you. Wake up, sister. You’re about to be replaced. check – ALWAYS takes the phone outside and walks around the front yard to talk, like a teenaged girl.
6 He’s no longer interested in you sexually – No matter how much you beg and plead, he won’t give it up. He’s not in the mood. He’s tired. He’s got too much on his mind. If you can’t remember the last time you had sex, there’s a good chance your dry spell is about to get even longer.  OK, no problem there…. THAT’S still GREAT…
7 He talks about other women all of the time – It’s okay for your partner to have friends of the opposite sex, but it’s not okay for them to come before you. If he’s putting more energy into his so-called friendships with other women than his marriage to you, your days of being number one have probably come to an end.  no problem there to a point…. he still talks to TT and that drives me insane.
8 He’s keeping money in a secret account – It’s the type of discovery that will take your breath away. You’ve stumbled on an account filled with fat cash, and it’s only in his name. Sister, brace yourself. If he hasn’t told you about the account, there’s a good reason he’s saving for that “rainy day” on the down low. Well, if it’s a secret account, I obviously don’t know about it.
9 He doesn’t make the holidays special – No card. No candy. No present. No problem? Wrong. Is he one of those guys who lets the holidays slip by without so much as a card? Maybe it’s not in his makeup to extend caring gestures. Or maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t care about how you feel. CHECK – let’s go thru the list, Christmas – he bought “me” a vehicle that he drives more than I do and after I got my feelings hurt he bought me an ugly ring that I promptly returned for something cheaper and prettier, Valentine’s Day – oh, yeah, he “forgot” that one, My birthday – after he used the “you didn’t give me any money “line and I threw a HUGE fit he bought me a digital camera…. at 10 pm the night after my birthday, Our Anniversary – once again the “you didn’t give me any money”  defense was invoked but I don’t think my crying jag ever resulted in a gift on that one….
10 He finds something wrong with everything you do – You’re not affectionate enough. You nag too much. You don’t care about his feelings. He’s always busy telling you about what you don’t do and never acknowledging what you do do. Face it, he doesn’t appreciate you and there’s a good chance he’ll soon use his lame excuses to bail out of your dying relationship.   NIT PICK MUCH?  Why yes, actually he does!  Not the examples above but yes, everything I do is wrong…. from the 2 minutes I was late coming home from work (it was raining) to the way his laundry smells…. it’s MY FAULT and it’s WRONG….

THE Talk

Well, last night MB & I had THE TALK, the divorce talk.  I laid it all out, what I thought and what I felt.  And of course, afterwards, I felt immediately guilty.  Apprehension rose in my throat like bile.  WHAT HAVE I DONE?  I am naturally an anxious person; I’m in hyper-drive now.  Did I do the right thing?  Did I just sacrifice my marriage over my too-high expectations?  I had rose-colored dreams that I’d “mate for life” and things would be wonderful.  Now I’m bitter and nervous and so stressed I’m pulling out my hair.  But it’s coming from all angles, my family, my friends, and even some of his family.  I mean, I should follow their advice right….. I’m so scared…… I just wanna hide in the closet and cry.  I hope I’m doing the right thing.

Oh, Daddio

Over the past week, MB has done most of the laundry and several loads of dishes.  He has put effort into making the kids clean their rooms and MAINTAIN the clean status.  He even offered to cook supper last night (I declined and cooked myself because I was not in the mood for Ramen.) He has also been in a particularly “naughty” mood in the bedroom.  Six months ago, I’d have thought my husband had morphed into the perfect man.

 

But, unfortunately, I cannot get over being angry about other things long enough to appreciate this recent change in behavior.  I stew over the lack of communication in our marriage.  I never know what is going on and feel like I’m just left behind, the last to know.  Sometimes, I know afterwards or as he’s walking out the door. 

 

I also feel as if my every move is under scrutiny and nothing short of perfection is acceptable.  Everything from how I offer treats to the number of corn dogs I cook has been questioned.  To be honest, I am VERY TIRED OF IT. 

 

In contrast, SuperDad has let the kids play outside in the rain two weekends in a row and laughed when his youngest son punched his sister in the face.

 

In spite of advice to do so, I don’t know if I should “let go” of my anger and try to appreciate his household accomplishments at face value.  Is that “diminishing” my unmet needs that are the root of my anger? Will thanking him for washing a load of towels make him see that I need him to talk to me about decisions before he makes them?   Will he suddenly see the error of his ways if I lavish praise over running the dishwasher?

 

I do know that I should tone down the snark and fury routine.  (If for no other reason than I broke the TV remote this weekend and I’m running out of things to break and getting up to change the channel really sucks.)  It’s getting me nowhere and just causing more problems. Not the least of is that I now have to learn to repair sheetrock.

 

On top of all of the communication issue, there is the baby dilemma.  I want one.  BAD.  But do I want it with him?   I thought I did.  But now, I’m seeing more and more behavior that I do not want to co-parent against.  Also, mine would just be yet another baby to him and not THE baby as it will be to me.  I want to share every experience, every flutter, every kick, every drop of glorious vomit, with someone who will appreciate it for the novelty that it is to me.  Not to mention the freaking miracle of modern medicine that it would take to get me pregnant.