The answer to: Do I have a type?

 Just a little tequila influenced parody from a kariokee night long past:

Well, I was raised in a sophisticated kind of style.
Yeah, my taste in music and men drove my folks half wild.
Mom and Dad had a plan for me,
It was debutantes and symphonies,
But I like my music hot; I like my men wild. Yeah, an’ I like my men just a little on the trashy side,
When they wear t-shirts showing what kinda bike they ride.
A prison record and a few tattoos,
Gets me excited, leaves me feeling confused.
An’ I like my men just a little on the trashy side.

Shoulda seen the looks on the faces of my Dad and Mom,
When I showed up at the door with a date for the senior prom.
They said: Well, pardon us hon, he ain’t no kid.
That’s the oil change guy from down at the Stomp & Skid.
I said I know it dad, ain’t he cool, that’s the kind I dig.;

 

 

checklist

So I’m reading this article with this check list of 10 signs you’re heading for divorce…..

1 He’s no longer communicating with you – Forget discussing the serious issues such as your sex life, your finances or your children, you can’t even nail him down regarding whether he’d prefer chocolate or vanilla. If you feel like you’re being shut out, there’s a good chance you are.  check
2 He refuses to talk about the future – You’ve tried planning a family vacation, but he blows it off with comments like “who knows what the future holds.” No matter how hard you try to get him to commit to an event, trip or activity in the distance, he refuses to bite. Why? Because he may not see you in his future.  check
3 He doesn’t spend any time with you – He leaves for work before you’ve even rolled out of bed, and he comes home long after you’re asleep. He claims it’s all in the name of his job. Use your intuition and read between the lines. If he comes up with every excuse in the book to stay away, the move he’s looking to make has nothing to do with his career. check – Well, he’s home before me but just watches TV or goes next door or goes fishing. 
4 He finds reasons to leave the house – He goes out to get milk, but comes back empty-handed. He swears he’s going to buy a tool, but they always seem to have run out. Oh, somebody is running out, and it’s likely him… running out on his marriage, that is. check – see above.  A trip to the corner store to buy smokes takes an hour.  He has to meet “his friend” at so and so.  He just wants to go walk around Bass Pro Shop.
5 He spends A LOT of time on the phone and makes sure you can’t hear his conversations – He’s talking to someone, and it’s likely not his grandmother. You see the way he laughs and smiles. You remember when he used to grin that way when he talked to you. Wake up, sister. You’re about to be replaced. check – ALWAYS takes the phone outside and walks around the front yard to talk, like a teenaged girl.
6 He’s no longer interested in you sexually – No matter how much you beg and plead, he won’t give it up. He’s not in the mood. He’s tired. He’s got too much on his mind. If you can’t remember the last time you had sex, there’s a good chance your dry spell is about to get even longer.  OK, no problem there…. THAT’S still GREAT…
7 He talks about other women all of the time – It’s okay for your partner to have friends of the opposite sex, but it’s not okay for them to come before you. If he’s putting more energy into his so-called friendships with other women than his marriage to you, your days of being number one have probably come to an end.  no problem there to a point…. he still talks to TT and that drives me insane.
8 He’s keeping money in a secret account – It’s the type of discovery that will take your breath away. You’ve stumbled on an account filled with fat cash, and it’s only in his name. Sister, brace yourself. If he hasn’t told you about the account, there’s a good reason he’s saving for that “rainy day” on the down low. Well, if it’s a secret account, I obviously don’t know about it.
9 He doesn’t make the holidays special – No card. No candy. No present. No problem? Wrong. Is he one of those guys who lets the holidays slip by without so much as a card? Maybe it’s not in his makeup to extend caring gestures. Or maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t care about how you feel. CHECK – let’s go thru the list, Christmas – he bought “me” a vehicle that he drives more than I do and after I got my feelings hurt he bought me an ugly ring that I promptly returned for something cheaper and prettier, Valentine’s Day – oh, yeah, he “forgot” that one, My birthday – after he used the “you didn’t give me any money “line and I threw a HUGE fit he bought me a digital camera…. at 10 pm the night after my birthday, Our Anniversary – once again the “you didn’t give me any money”  defense was invoked but I don’t think my crying jag ever resulted in a gift on that one….
10 He finds something wrong with everything you do – You’re not affectionate enough. You nag too much. You don’t care about his feelings. He’s always busy telling you about what you don’t do and never acknowledging what you do do. Face it, he doesn’t appreciate you and there’s a good chance he’ll soon use his lame excuses to bail out of your dying relationship.   NIT PICK MUCH?  Why yes, actually he does!  Not the examples above but yes, everything I do is wrong…. from the 2 minutes I was late coming home from work (it was raining) to the way his laundry smells…. it’s MY FAULT and it’s WRONG….

THE Talk

Well, last night MB & I had THE TALK, the divorce talk.  I laid it all out, what I thought and what I felt.  And of course, afterwards, I felt immediately guilty.  Apprehension rose in my throat like bile.  WHAT HAVE I DONE?  I am naturally an anxious person; I’m in hyper-drive now.  Did I do the right thing?  Did I just sacrifice my marriage over my too-high expectations?  I had rose-colored dreams that I’d “mate for life” and things would be wonderful.  Now I’m bitter and nervous and so stressed I’m pulling out my hair.  But it’s coming from all angles, my family, my friends, and even some of his family.  I mean, I should follow their advice right….. I’m so scared…… I just wanna hide in the closet and cry.  I hope I’m doing the right thing.

Oh, Daddio

Over the past week, MB has done most of the laundry and several loads of dishes.  He has put effort into making the kids clean their rooms and MAINTAIN the clean status.  He even offered to cook supper last night (I declined and cooked myself because I was not in the mood for Ramen.) He has also been in a particularly “naughty” mood in the bedroom.  Six months ago, I’d have thought my husband had morphed into the perfect man.

 

But, unfortunately, I cannot get over being angry about other things long enough to appreciate this recent change in behavior.  I stew over the lack of communication in our marriage.  I never know what is going on and feel like I’m just left behind, the last to know.  Sometimes, I know afterwards or as he’s walking out the door. 

 

I also feel as if my every move is under scrutiny and nothing short of perfection is acceptable.  Everything from how I offer treats to the number of corn dogs I cook has been questioned.  To be honest, I am VERY TIRED OF IT. 

 

In contrast, SuperDad has let the kids play outside in the rain two weekends in a row and laughed when his youngest son punched his sister in the face.

 

In spite of advice to do so, I don’t know if I should “let go” of my anger and try to appreciate his household accomplishments at face value.  Is that “diminishing” my unmet needs that are the root of my anger? Will thanking him for washing a load of towels make him see that I need him to talk to me about decisions before he makes them?   Will he suddenly see the error of his ways if I lavish praise over running the dishwasher?

 

I do know that I should tone down the snark and fury routine.  (If for no other reason than I broke the TV remote this weekend and I’m running out of things to break and getting up to change the channel really sucks.)  It’s getting me nowhere and just causing more problems. Not the least of is that I now have to learn to repair sheetrock.

 

On top of all of the communication issue, there is the baby dilemma.  I want one.  BAD.  But do I want it with him?   I thought I did.  But now, I’m seeing more and more behavior that I do not want to co-parent against.  Also, mine would just be yet another baby to him and not THE baby as it will be to me.  I want to share every experience, every flutter, every kick, every drop of glorious vomit, with someone who will appreciate it for the novelty that it is to me.  Not to mention the freaking miracle of modern medicine that it would take to get me pregnant. 

Annoyance Level: Mosquito

Monkey Butt seemingly lives to annoy me to tears.  When he’s not teasing or poking me, he has discovered a new tactic, singing at the top of his lungs 5 yr old style.  His song of choice: THE BATTLE OF NEW ORLEANS…. Unfortunately he doesn’t remember all of the lyrics so his scrambled version goes a little like this:

In 1814 we took a little trip
Along with Colonel Jackson down the mighty Mississip.
We took a little bacon and we took a little beans
And we caught the bloody British in the town of New Orleans.

Yeah, they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles
And they ran through the bushes where a rabbit couldn’t go.
They ran so fast that the hounds couldn’t catch ‘em
Down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.

We fired our guns and the British kept a’comin.
There wasn’t nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began to runnin’ on
Down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.

Not Your Angel of the Morning

Monkey Butt is mad at me.  What else is new, right?  But this time, it’s over a specific disagreement that we’re having alot lately, specifically nookie.  For the past two weeks, I have been forced out of my slumber by my begging husband around the 4:30am time of NIGHT.  Pay attention, I consider this time to be still NIGHT, as in for rest.  MB considers it MORNING and is ready for a little good morning action. Personally, if I’m having sex at 4am, it’s because I haven’t been to sleep yet from the day before.  Since I’m not in college anymore, I don’t party like that any longer so that’s NOT the case.  I’ve explained time and time again that at 4:30am I’m not able to wake up enough for THAT and TBH, I don’t really want to try.  So maybe it’s sad that I prefer sleep to sex but then again, a couple weeks ago, I told someone that I might be willing to give up sex if I could have daily foot massages instead.

Sleep has become a priority to me lately.  Partly because of the insomnia I went through over the summer; partly because I’m SO tired lately.

This morning I told him that he could do what he wanted……………. just don’t wake me up.

Life’s a BITCH

And then you die….

Burglarized!!

Either a fairytale elf broke into our house or MY HUSBAND DID THE DISHES!  I’m not sure which is stranger than fiction at the moment but I felt the need for this occasion to be memorialized.

I didn’t ask, I didn’t beg, I didn’t threaten physical violence.  I just came home and they’re done!  WOW!  

Angel of the Mourning

I frequently complain here about the state of my marriage.  Today I read this line: 

I have a divorced friend that has been divorced 3 years now, and mourns “being married”. 

As I mulled this over in my head, I realized that I, too, would probably mourn the death my marriage as much as the loss of Monkey Butt.  I love being married.  Even if I nitpick about the way/frequency that he shows his affection, I would miss his companionship.  I would miss being confident in my relationship status.  For all my disgruntled rambling, marriage is becoming a security blanket to me and I, too, would mourn the loss of that warmth.

I hated dating.  I disliked everything about dating.  Unlike some people who relish the unattached life and the independence that it requires, I dislike floating through the world alone.  I do not like meeting new people.  I do not enjoy having to frequently change partners and repeat the “getting to know you” dance.  I do not like having to decipher a new acquaintance. 

I most certainly love my husband.  I may not like him sometimes but I like knowing that he’s waiting for me at our home when I leave work at 5 o’clock.  I like a lover that I know well.  I like knowing his preferences and his habits.  It doesn’t make love boring.  It makes love familiar.  I love lying in bed wrapped in his arms.  I love that floating feeling when I think about him or how much I love him.  I like that he allows me to maintain my illusion of independence while at the same time we are dependent upon one another.  I like having inside jokes and pouring my secrets out to him.   I enjoy the intimacity of the emotional relationship as much as the physical. 

I used to believe intensely that love made you vulnerable.  I used to make plans to leave before I was left.  I used to have high high standards that few men could meet.  I used to have a checklist of steps to be completed before the relationship could progress to the next level. 

And then I met Monkey Butt.  Monkey Butt is nothing like anyone I’ve ever dated.  Monkey Butt who ground my checklist under his boot like a old cigarette.  I broke the rules.  He didn’t make me. 

Let’s Play Pretend

I wonder what our relationship would be like if we didn’t have to deal with all of his exes.  If they really were just faded memories left in the past where they belong, would our marriage be healthier?  How much of our conflict is based in his past drama? 

But then we wouldn’t have the Sassy Brat or Bubba… so maybe it balances out. 

Isn’t like I can change it now…