I’m trying to jump on the “green” wagon. I replaced my light bulbs. I bought reusable shopping bags. I have a compost bin. MB insulated our ductwork. Wonder how long until I get bored with this?
Chalk One Up For The Evil Wicked SM
The worst thing about split families is the tendency for EVERYTHING to become a competition. We bought the kids Guitar Hero for Christmas so Twisted bought them a wii. The kids broke Monkey Butt’s furry little heart because they complained that they wanted to “go home to their real family” because our house was “boring” and we “don’t even have a wii.”
MB & I had said for two years now that the kids, Sassy Brat & Bubba, (sorry but Johnboy is excluded when it comes to two year contracts) could not have cell phones until they were at least double digits.
We cracked. Sassy Brat has complained about how awful we are all week and we ended up buying them a cellphones tonight.
At least now I’m teh coolest SM ever!
And Out of the Rain… A Miracle
Friday night while Monkey Butt went to get the kids, I went to the grocery store. Halfway through the frozen foods department, I heard thunder. Through the windows at the end of the aisle, I could see rain pouring out of the dark sky. I was pissed. I had driven the car. The teeny tiny sports car with the little trunk is not the best choice for grocery shopping but my SUV is safer for the kids so I’d agreed to the swap. Looking at that rain and my sandals, I was not happy. I lingered over the meat department and browsed sections I rarely give a glance in an unsuccessful attempt to ride the storm out. I glared out the windows while I stood in the check-out line. Once out the door, the sidewalks and buggy ramps were blocked by people who had moved their vehicles to the front door canopy to load their purchases. I could not get the buggy off the sidewalk and was in no hurry so I waited…. impatiently. Just as the blocking vehicle closest to me pulled into traffic, I looked up to see my husband pulling through the puddles. When I wasn’t at home, he drove the couple extra blocks to the supermarket to assist me in loading the groceries. As I stood under the back gate (what do you call those doors?) out of the rain, with Monkey Butt getting soaked, we put the groceries in the SUV. I realized…. he has his moments…. and this one took the cake.
hurt
I’ve been on a rather masochist bender. Not of the S&M variety, that might be preferable compared to the emotional flogging I’ve been inflicting upon myself as of late.
Gilles Deleuze wrote that the sadist attempts to destroy the ego in an efforty to unify the id and super-ego, in effect gratifying the most base desires the sadist can express while ignoring or completely suppressing the will of the ego, or of the conscience. So am I exposing myself to things that my conscience/common sense tries to scream will hurt me because I somehow think that that pain will get me close to my goal? Insanity is most likely closer to the truth.
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hold
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What am I doing to myself? Not only am I hurting myself, I am hurting my relationships with other people and fellowships that once brought me such joy.
Sometimes, I think it is selfishness above all else. Do I enjoy wallowing in self-pity?
Self Pity……
Party of ONE? Your table is ready….
the eternal ONE…. also known as the last 3 letters of ALONE…… and NONE……
R.I.P.
This afternoon after I called my husband and my parents, I tried to call Leewer. I wanted to share with him the news that I had secured my first teaching position. Leewer was my favorite professor at MSU. He pushed me. He challenged me. He called me a moron when I changed my major. He emailed me frequently to complain about the dust collecting on my degree.
The first semester that I had Leewer, I hated him with a purple passion. He was obnoxious and snotty. He put on airs. Worst of all, he was a damn Yankee. He was a long haired hippie with an earring in a conservative Southern educational institution. He was irony of ironies.
Leewer continuously spewed criticism of Southerners. Me being especially proud of being a Southerner, I was especially offended.
I disliked his teaching style. He ridiculed students and yelled. Then one day, I yelled back.
He nicknamed me the Redneck Princess. I thanked him regularly. I called him the “Damn Yankee.” He thanked me in turn.
We debated in class often because most other students were afraid of him. The comedy of their cowering was not lost on us, and; often encouraged the Yankee and I to spar.
The next semester, I signed up for him again…. and again.
Leewer taught me more with sarcasm and humor than a thousand Ben Stein lectures could ever accomplish. The Yankee made me enjoy grammar.
Leewer got married last fall. He spoke of his joy in finding the love of his life. He vibrated with excitement in his anticipation of becoming a father. His wife gave birth in May. Six days later, Leewer committed suicide.
I have no clue what led the Yankee to this unspeakable act.
But I weep for his daughter who will never know the wonderful man who was her father.
I weep for the children who will never sit in his classroom.
I weep for Education who lost a phenomenon.
I weep for the man who could not see his own beauty through the demons.
Take This Job & Shove It
I’m really going to miss my downtown job. I’ve never quit a job that I actually felt sad to leave before. I enjoyed the people, the work, and especially the environment. (And no smart ass, no one from there reads this blog!)
But I’m leaving to do what I really enjoy so perhaps it’ll be worth it. And I did finally figure out why math is an important skill so now I can answer that question without bluffing!
Let’s Play Pretend
I wonder what our relationship would be like if we didn’t have to deal with all of his exes. If they really were just faded memories left in the past where they belong, would our marriage be healthier? How much of our conflict is based in his past drama?
But then we wouldn’t have the Sassy Brat or Bubba… so maybe it balances out.
Isn’t like I can change it now…
