Yesterday we went to Lowe’s to buy plants for our summer vegetable garden.  While walking around the garden center,  I walk around a corner to find a display of willow trees.  I want one but I know that if I plant one here, I’ll never want to move away from it.  I fingered the leaves and teared up.  It was all that I could do not to cry.  I bit down hard on my knuckle to keep the tears from falling.  My husband looks at me with what I interpret as utter disgust on his face.  I don’t understand why he seems so  fine with the fact that our daughter is dead.  I don’t think she was “real” to him like she was to me.  I carried her, I felt her, I talked to her and sang to her.  She was real to me.

Today I get to work and right off the bat a kid comes up to me and comments on how well I’m doing with keeping the pregnancy weight down.  ”I mean, you don’t even look pregnant anymore.”  OW.  Pain.  Shock.  OW!

I just walked away.  I heard another kid fuss at her that I had lost the baby and she shouldn’t talk about it.

I tried to stay busy after that.  The first part of the day went by fast.  Later in the day, it crept back into my mind.  I doodled tattoo ideas on my legal pad.  I’ve been toying with the idea of getting one but I’m such a wimp when it comes to pain.  Then I think of the pain that my daughter felt when she was dying and I didn’t realize it and think that I’m such a fucking hypocrite.

W for Willow tat idea

I wanted this so bad.  I was so close.

And now my husband is slipping away from me.

Am I going to lose everything that is important to me?

And that’s all I have to say about that!  Well, that and I’ll believe it when I can cash it!

There have been many concerns voiced over this election regarding race, gender, and the like…. Voter registration has soared; and, in many areas of Chicago and Mississippi, the dead have risen to show their civic pride.

Voting itself has been a chaotic experience today.  In Braxton, the touch screens weren’t working so they had to do paper ballots but only had 2 pens that were “approved” by the Secretary of State’s office.  Therefore, a line developed of over 50 people who had to wait because only 2 people could vote at a time.  I was not aware that there were specific pens to be used.  In Mayberry, voting was always by paper ballot but I seem to remember them using some sort of charcoal pencil.  My prescint was uneventful, thankfully. There were 3 old ladies waiting on the 4th on her walker. An old ass hippie yelling about how he shouldn’t have to be registered b/c he’s an American.  I showed my laminated voter registration card; a 90 yr old woman confirmed i was on the roll. I went to the touch-screen booth where Ben Franklin’s grandfather made sure that I “knew how to use this new-fangled techno stuff” and I made my selections. 

The sad part is that the major surge of emotion that I felt was not so much patriotism or pride but relief that perhaps now the mudslinging Wicker/Musgrove ads would be over.

MB gets worried because he read nausea on the list of side effects on my meds and called my mom.  My mother, bless her heart, says “You know, her grandmother has the same reaction to that medication.”  THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP, MOM!

The next morning, MB calls the doctor’s office at 9am.  We wait and wait and wait until they call back after 4pm to say “You should call your endocrinologist.”  YEAH, have you ever tried to call a doctor’s office after 4pm?  Ed McMahon will call you before a doctor’s office will after 4pm. 

So we waited until the NEXT morning.   When the endo still hadn’t called back, I called again.  I was angry by then.  They got me in that afternoon.  (Which means by then I missed almost 3 days of work…. but they were cool about it.  I heard “Are you ok?  Should you be here?” not “I had to answer the phones all day.  We had to pull your weight.  You should check with us before you get sick.”  I *GIANT PUFFY HEART* this job.  The pay sucks but “quality of life” is much better.  I just wish they had a HSA.)  Anyway on the phone, the nurse says “If you can’t take metformin, then we’ll have to put you on insulin.”  WHAT? So I freak out for the rest of the day thinking that I’m going to start insulin shots.  I get there and tear up and tell them how anxious I get over just pricking my finger, etc, etc, etc…  They change my meds and give me two weeks to get my blood sugar down.  (I go back tomorrow to see if it’s low enough to keep my wimpy butt off insulin.)

In the mean time, I’ve had to drastically change my diet.  Dr. Wu says no cheese, no fruit, no peas/butterbeans, no corn, no bread unless wheat, no pasta unless wheat (and even those in moderation) no milk, no oatmeal, no carbohydrate that doesn’t have at least 5g of fiber. Yeah, that sucks.  I also have to go to classes to LEARN HOW TO EAT.  I took MB with me.  Midway through the class, he looked at me and said, “I am going to need my own kitchen.”

1 He’s no longer communicating with you – Forget discussing the serious issues such as your sex life, your finances or your children, you can’t even nail him down regarding whether he’d prefer chocolate or vanilla. If you feel like you’re being shut out, there’s a good chance you are.  check
2 He refuses to talk about the future – You’ve tried planning a family vacation, but he blows it off with comments like “who knows what the future holds.” No matter how hard you try to get him to commit to an event, trip or activity in the distance, he refuses to bite. Why? Because he may not see you in his future.  check
3 He doesn’t spend any time with you – He leaves for work before you’ve even rolled out of bed, and he comes home long after you’re asleep. He claims it’s all in the name of his job. Use your intuition and read between the lines. If he comes up with every excuse in the book to stay away, the move he’s looking to make has nothing to do with his career. check – Well, he’s home before me but just watches TV or goes next door or goes fishing. 
4 He finds reasons to leave the house – He goes out to get milk, but comes back empty-handed. He swears he’s going to buy a tool, but they always seem to have run out. Oh, somebody is running out, and it’s likely him… running out on his marriage, that is. check – see above.  A trip to the corner store to buy smokes takes an hour.  He has to meet “his friend” at so and so.  He just wants to go walk around Bass Pro Shop.
5 He spends A LOT of time on the phone and makes sure you can’t hear his conversations – He’s talking to someone, and it’s likely not his grandmother. You see the way he laughs and smiles. You remember when he used to grin that way when he talked to you. Wake up, sister. You’re about to be replaced. check – ALWAYS takes the phone outside and walks around the front yard to talk, like a teenaged girl.
6 He’s no longer interested in you sexually – No matter how much you beg and plead, he won’t give it up. He’s not in the mood. He’s tired. He’s got too much on his mind. If you can’t remember the last time you had sex, there’s a good chance your dry spell is about to get even longer.  OK, no problem there…. THAT’S still GREAT…
7 He talks about other women all of the time – It’s okay for your partner to have friends of the opposite sex, but it’s not okay for them to come before you. If he’s putting more energy into his so-called friendships with other women than his marriage to you, your days of being number one have probably come to an end.  no problem there to a point…. he still talks to TT and that drives me insane.
8 He’s keeping money in a secret account – It’s the type of discovery that will take your breath away. You’ve stumbled on an account filled with fat cash, and it’s only in his name. Sister, brace yourself. If he hasn’t told you about the account, there’s a good reason he’s saving for that “rainy day” on the down low. Well, if it’s a secret account, I obviously don’t know about it.
9 He doesn’t make the holidays special – No card. No candy. No present. No problem? Wrong. Is he one of those guys who lets the holidays slip by without so much as a card? Maybe it’s not in his makeup to extend caring gestures. Or maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t care about how you feel. CHECK – let’s go thru the list, Christmas – he bought “me” a vehicle that he drives more than I do and after I got my feelings hurt he bought me an ugly ring that I promptly returned for something cheaper and prettier, Valentine’s Day – oh, yeah, he “forgot” that one, My birthday – after he used the “you didn’t give me any money “line and I threw a HUGE fit he bought me a digital camera…. at 10 pm the night after my birthday, Our Anniversary – once again the “you didn’t give me any money”  defense was invoked but I don’t think my crying jag ever resulted in a gift on that one….
10 He finds something wrong with everything you do – You’re not affectionate enough. You nag too much. You don’t care about his feelings. He’s always busy telling you about what you don’t do and never acknowledging what you do do. Face it, he doesn’t appreciate you and there’s a good chance he’ll soon use his lame excuses to bail out of your dying relationship.   NIT PICK MUCH?  Why yes, actually he does!  Not the examples above but yes, everything I do is wrong…. from the 2 minutes I was late coming home from work (it was raining) to the way his laundry smells…. it’s MY FAULT and it’s WRONG….